This little word has been rolling in my head for about a week now. It has popped up due to my health, due to the health of our community and in simple things like the weather. I realized that life is based on trust. Our need to trust in others, ourselves and the world around us. When that trust falters everything becomes shaky and tense. We can find ourselves lost and unsure which way to turn.
Each day people experience events that shatter their sense of trust. As those people walk shaken and lost the rest of the world keeps spinning. The sun rises and falls. The birds sing and the traffic on the freeway keeps moving.
Life is full of these moments and all of us experience them – some of us more than others. Some of us hit these moments and they take our breath away leaving us lost for days, months and in the extreme it might be years. The loss of a friend, family member, a child we trusted to be there, the change in our body – heart attack, cancer – we find it hard to trust that our body is functioning well and keeping us healthy. There are simple things that throw us off as well – the car you trusted to get you to work suddenly stops working, the washing machine that overflows flooding your basement or maybe you just but your trust on a warm and sunny day to get work done outside that needed to be done and now you can not. It is raining turning to snow!
The big and little trusts of our life surround us daily. The thing about trust is that we depend on it. We take it for granted and suddenly an event happens and the trust is gone. It slipped away in an instant. We can gain that trust back but it takes time.
This past week brought many events into my life that once again made that sense of trust vanish leaving me nervous, upset and sleepless. We have all been there and the steps to building trust back up are slow and steep.
I had a health issue with veins in my left leg that literally popped up out of no where. A vein popped internally leaving a cherry tomato size lump full of blood on the side of my knee. Given heart issue and blood thinners I was taken aback. Trust in my body working safely was lost once again. The scurry to find help to understand whether this was dangerous or just a pain. I have learned for now not dangerous but still seeking help to resolve the issue. Step by step I will find an answer and will begin to again trust that I am healthy and well.
There is the the trial of Chauvin that we in Minneapolis, Mn. have sat listening and watching, with tension felt throughout the city. Then suddenly there is another death at the hands of the police. Another young man of color lost. The violence erupts, the anger sitting so close to the surface and the tiny amount of trust that was building since summer is gone in an instant just like the life of this young man.
We sit under curfew again remembering last summer, remember all the lives lost not only those at the hands of police but those who have access to guns. How many have we lost to guns in the hands of those who should not have them? How many have we lost to anger or fear which really all comes down to trust? Trust on both sides! The damage is so great the healing will take a lone time. In this case the hurt is deep from long ago – a distrust that began with slavery, with removal of Native Americans from their home land, with a government that was not holding its side of the trust agreement.
There are plenty more little events and we each have our own but with all this sense of distrust I still know that each day we need to reach out to find a way to rebuild the trust that was broken. The little things are easy – we find out why the washer flooded and we fix it or the car can be fixed. The relationships that are broken are harder, the health issue may or may not be fixed but we learn to slowly over time build trust with ourselves again.
The bigger society issues are huge and will take years to heal but I think (I hope) they can heal if each of us is open to listening, feeling and finding space to help each other. There are those who are going to need time and help to grieve and find ways to release years of anger built up due to unfair practices. The loss of family and friends takes a long time to settle. The police and gun violence, the loss of trust with the pandemic will take time and changes in how we handle each of these events.
I don’t have big answers. I only know from experience after a loss or fear that breaks the trust we were holding it takes time but healing can come. The steps are slow and hard but they do make a difference.
Today I am holding peace in my heart for the loss the Wright family has suffered here in Minneapolis. I also worry for the woman who it appears pulled the wrong trigger sending her, the Wright family and all of us into a tail spin once again.
Trust is such a thin thin line we walk daily! Hold on to it as much as you can. Find ways to take steps to building and rebuilding trust with yourself and others each day.
Here with a shaken sense of trust I send Peace and Love to all this April 13th!