It is a dark rainy morning in early September and I am now fully two weeks out from a heart attack. They fixed my heart! Right? I should be good to go but there is the small issue of the rest of my body and mind that are desperately trying to sort out what happened.
It is really odd to feel your heart on a physical and emotional level all at one time. The heart has been working since before we are born. It pumps away without stopping. We know it is there, we feel it and at times we even stop and count its beats but it is something else to fully understand the life it gives us.
Stop to think about the flow of blood through your body. Think about it – with each beat of your heart blood is running up to your brain and out to your limbs. It is carrying oxygen throughout your body. It is one amazing system that works without our even needing to pay attention. It just does its thing.
Well – it just does its thing until it doesn’t. This is when modern medicine steps in to help us out. It does this well. The body is repaired but the emotional body takes a bit longer to sort things out. One day you are walking long distances and the next day it seems almost impossible to make it around the block. One day you are scraping wall paper, running around town and the next you are sitting quietly watching the day go by as you breath deeply.
The switch in thinking is slow. I get up ready to move a book case for the painters or I start out for a walk and see a large hill looming in front of me and I stop. At first thought I am ready and going but then a slow bug says is your heart ready for this? I stop and realize the heart may be ready but the rest of me is not.
My muscles, as well as my heart muscle are still healing. My emotional muscles are also healing. A bit of fear rises up as I look at the hill or decided on what activity I can or cannot do. My heart attack did not happen during any activity, I was sleeping, and yet movement seems to trigger an emotional response – is this to much?!
What I know is it takes time – time for our bodies to heal, time for our emotions to catch up and heal as well. What I also know is how hard it is to be still when asked to heal.
So I am trying to take each day as it comes. Planning activities and events then cancelling them when I realize that I am not ready. The act of doing, doing anything, is hard right now. Doing is what I want more than anything. I am not a sitter but doing is what triggers fears, makes me tired and really is just a bit to much right now.
So I am grateful for the dark and raining morning. A morning ripe for reading, writing and sleeping. A morning that says sit still and watch the rain.