Writing again – seeking words from a large hole

Slice of Life logoIt has been three weeks since I have really written anything. I struggled yesterday to get my book review post up. (Thank you for It’s Monday! What are you reading? to give me focus). Today I have set myself down and am determined to get words down. When darkness slips into our lives it does odd things. I am sure for some they go off alone and write and write but for me all words just stopped. Stopped like I have never had happen.

Writing is always hard for me but I love it – go figure! But this time there were/are no words. I have walked through my days. I look normal, have conversations and am getting a few things done but …

When someone close to you dies the world keeps going but internally there is a shift. A large hole opens up and takes all the words and hides them. They are there I am sure of it but bringing them forward in a way that makes sense is oh so hard.

On August 25 I lost my dear Mother. I have written about her off and on over the last few years. She was 95 years old. A tiny woman and even smaller at this great age. She has been struggling with Parkinson’s Disease for some time. We watched this spring and summer as she worked so hard to be alert, to carry forward conversations and to connect with us as we visited. This death was not a surprise and yet we can’t quite it our hearts and souls around it.

There was caring and support, quiet, then silence and then the whirlwind of after preparations. Now I am back to quiet seeking words that slipped away over the last few weeks.

I know to give it time, the words will return, the hole will become smaller but will always be there. She was such a large part of my life for such a small lady.

With time I will write about her – she is worth knowing about. A powerhouse who raised three kids alone, worked lots of jobs (all helping people), and found simple and easy ways to enjoy the world around her – music, gardens and a walk through the woods is all that was needed.

Enjoy your walk through the sky flowers Mom we are watching for you in the colors of sunrise and sunsets.  Love!

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About Joanne Toft

I am a retired Minneapolis Public School teacher. I walk, garden, help in schools and write. Life is good!
This entry was posted in Reflection and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Writing again – seeking words from a large hole

  1. Renae says:

    Words are healing! I hope this first step has helped, and that you wake up tomorrow morning to find the hole a little smaller. Sincerest condolences on your mother’s passing.

  2. Doug Toft says:

    Great post, honey! Doug

  3. arjeha says:

    I am sorry for your loss. The hole will be filled with wonderful memories until it it no longer a black hole but a ray of sunshine brightening your days.

  4. Adrienne says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your Mother. Thank you for being brave enough to share your grief.

  5. Peg D says:

    So sorry for your loss. This will be my time for holiday firsts since losing my mom in March. I’m sure it will get easier with time and then you will find her in your stories. Take the time you need.

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